Thursday, December 23, 2004

Love Horoscope (Aquarius)

The celestial alignment signals a time when you may feel more than a little obsessed by a certain person. You may not have realized quite how powerful your feelings were until today, when a certain situation brings them right to the surface. Although this is a very intense experience, it would be wise not to allow it run your life, as it could also prove a very disruptive influence.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Christmas Spirit

I envy people who are enjoying their holiday this year. For me, it's all about family. (Note that while I don't believe in the sentiment behind Christmas, most of my family and friends do) I don't have my family here, which makes this holiday - any of them, really - especially difficult.

His family try and make up for that, which I sincerely do appreciate, but it just isn't the same. I don't get to wake up early and make coffee, and watch Mum stumble out of her bedroom in her pretty pink satin nightgown, hair askew, sleepy-eyed. I don't get to watch my brothers follow suit, yawning and grumbling and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. I don't get to watch my sister jump up and down in excitement or anticipation of opening her presents (even though she's the type who absolutely has to know what she's getting beforehand).

As a kid, I absolutely loved Christmas (of course) only for the presents. It was so fascinating to me that some fat guy in a red suit would pop down people's chimneys, fill their stockings full to overflowing, and then deposit variously sized and brightly wrapped boxes under a fir tree. We didn't have a chimney growing up - too hot, living on the Gold Coast of Australia - so Mum always said Santa came in through the front door. When questioned how he got in without a key, she would reply, "Well he has to have a key, doesn't he? How else would he get inside?"

It made perfect sense. And then, with typical kid-glee, we gazed upon all the presents for all of a split second before diving toward the [plastic] fir tree and grabbing all our specially marked presents.

As I grew older, I began to look forward to Christmas less and less. I guess it was largely in part because I was starting to Grow Up, and began to realize just how expensive and commercial this holiday really was (religious differences aside). I began to get more and more appalled the commercials that stated you just had to buy this or that to make your family so damned happy. The whole Spirit of Christmas really dwindled for me through my early teens, and had dissipated altogether by my midteens. At least for me.

I still loved watching my family get excited over it. And I loved the hell out of trying like a madwoman, to buy the perfect gift for Mum that would make her cry. (Somehow it always becomes all about making your poor mother burst into tears) And every year, my brothers and I succeeded.

I began to appreciate this holiday for the fact that we were all there together, laughing and talking, joking and just having a great time. After the present thing was over and done with, we'd sit down and have breakfast (because we weren't allowed to eat the coloured popcorn in those giant bags, or the candycanes or chocolate!) and talk and giggle excitedly about what we got. That brought me alot of happiness - just being there with them.

And then I moved away from them. I moved thousands of miles, to the opposite side of the world, and I honestly didn't think I'd miss the whole Christmas thing. It turns out I was wrong.

Now, Christmas means nothing to me. He doesn't find much use for it, other than having a day off from work, and I think I have adopted that mentality. I tried to change that outlook one year, but he questioned it so much that I became embarrassed, and reverted to my former hum-bug self.

Lately I find myself looking at the cost of gifts, and seeing nothing but more bills. Bills I don't need or want, thankyouverymuch.

So, I really am envious of all these people who have such great holidays. Somewhere buried deep down, I know I want to be one of them, again. Not for the presents - I get what I want regardless of the time of year - but for that whole Christmas Spirit thing I used to embrace so lovingly as a child. I want that back. I wish it had never gone away - I wish I had never become so jaded.

And maybe, hopefully, one day when I have my own kids, and I can see their bright smiles and sparkly eyes all lit up at the wonderment of presents under a [real!] fir tree, and watch as they unwrap their gifts with utmost delight, that all those former feelings will come flooding back to me, and I will once again lovingly embrace the long-lost-and-forgotten Christmas Spirit.

Things That Remind Me

I'm not a big fan of Kid Rock at all, but I don't mind the song "Bawitdaba" - it's kinda kicky, has a decent beat. But since I'm a gigantic Simpsons freak, now every single time I hear it, I automatically think of the Spring Break episode, where Kid Rock is performing on stage, and Homer's in the mosh pit.

"Bawitdaba Banana Fana Ookachockie" - Homer singing along to Kid Rock.

So no longer do I even hear the real lyrics of the song. I always hear Homer. It's remarkable how certain songs can trigger memories.

** edit: I reread this entry five times before I realized over half of it was full of errors. Including the title. I must be more tired than I first thought.


Your strong opinions might come into conflict with strong emotions today, e. Be aware that fountains of intensity are likely to spring forth from you as if you are a bottomless well. Realize that you may need to put your head aside today and just concentrate on you heart. It may be hard to reason with people using straight-up logic. If you don't have your heart behind what you say, you might as well not say it at all.


I am so sleepy. Had to get up at 6:45am this morning to come to work early for a 7:30am meeting which I practically slept through anyway. Now I'm nowhere even close to being a morning person, and am usually pretty bitchy when I haven't had enough sleep (or if I have to get out of bed any time that's earlier than normal for me).

My whole mood was exacerbated by the fact that I didn't manage to fall asleep until around 1:30am this morning, even though I actually went to bed around midnight. So, now, here I sit, at my desk, yawning up a storm and wishing I were back in bed - I also don't have a clue what was talked about at this morning's meeting. It's a good thing nobody will ask me, and if for whatever reason they find themselves in that foolish position, I will quite calmly and happily tell them, "Sorry mate. I was sleeping through that."

On a much brighter note, I got my Christmas present yesterday! YAY! It looks fabulous, albeit a tad small. (Damn my freakishly long arms and big head)

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Love Horoscope (Aquarius)

Brush up on your conversational techniques, and try and find a few original and - dare it be said - philosophical questions to discuss. The present astral energy encourages all kinds of dialogues as a way of deepening your bonds with others, and especially with one particular person. If you can talk to them about anything and everything under the sun, then you have a pretty good chance of sustaining a fulfilling relationship.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Note to Self

1. Don't over analyze.
2. Don't over think.
3. Don't internalize.
4. Go with the moment.


It's 11 degrees out this morning. Eleven. With our high a whopping 25. I have no idea what it is with the windchill, all I know is that it's really cold and I hate it.

We started getting snow last night around 11pm, and it still hasn't tapered off but it's not snowing hard enough or fast enough to accumulate more than 1-2 inches. Infact, we have a lot more ice than snow - the front flights of stairs were powdered thinly over a sheet of ice, and the driveway had more ice than a deep-freeze.

And then, all the windows on the mini mini-van were all frozen shut. Couldn't even turn the heat on for the ride to work because the fan had to keep working overtime to try and melt the ice off the windshield and side windows.

But, to top all that off, I was supposed to be at work early this morning because I leave at 4pm (he goes to school) but with the roads as shitty as they were, I didn't arrive to work until almost 830am (my regularly scheduled start time). =
I can only hope today goes by relatively quickly. I'd much rather be home where it's warm and toasty.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Tea Leaf Reading

As the steam from the tea evaporates, I see many interesting events in your future! There are many square shapes in your cup. You need to overcome your fears if you want to move ahead.

Along the top rim of the cup is a dish. Savor the long sought-after domestic bliss that will soon be yours. I also see an oyster. There may be reason to celebrate soon!

At the bottom of the cup is a leopard. If you lacked confidence before, you may soon find yourself comfortably in charge of the situation. Remember, timing is everything. I also see a volcano. Even though you may be careful with your words and actions, you may not be able to prevent another's unhappiness. By honoring yourself, you will do honor unto another.

All the shapes reveal themselves spread randomly around the cup. Some of the fortune predicted here may occur quickly, while other aspects of it will take place over a longer period of time. The letter G is apparent along the outer edge of the cup. A person with this initial is working his or her way toward you. Receive him or her warmly and be happy.

* * * *

Interesting. Don't know anyone by the name of "G" though... Anyway, you can get your reading here. =D

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Sometimes I overstep boundaries. Sometimes I think I say wrong things. Lately I've been rambling so much, feeling like I'm saying the wrong things and overstepping boundaries. I'm left wondering about so much at the end of at all, mostly wondering if I've just jynxed everything right now. I'm wondering if maybe I should setup new boundaries and force myself not to cross them. The only problem with that is, when I cross these boundaries, that's the only time I know I've stepped too far.

Linkin Park: Somewhere I Belong

When this began I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that
I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
but all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real.
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I cant believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
looking everywhere only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I want to heal, I want to feel like
I'm somewhere I belong
I want to heal, I want to feel like
I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Quiz: Better Relationship

Snagged this one here.

eXpressive: 10/10
Practical: 2/10
Physical: 8/10
Giver: 6/10

You are a XSYG--Expressive Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Sex Bomb.

You are sexy sex sex sex! The sexness! You are the sexiest, hottest and most charismatic of all types. You are a captivating speaker and a great dinner date -- relaxed, self-effacing, charming and generous. Your type probably has origins in something sad -- trying to keep the peace in a tough family situation, or an early heartbreak -- and you'll probably want to address and resolve that at some point, but in your relationships that heartache is pure gold!

You lie effortlessly -- not necessarily a bad thing. You can have problems with fidelity. You need frequent praise and validation, and in seeking it you can make decisions that aren't consistent with your general good judgment. In other words, don't cheat on your significant other just because someone is paying attention to you.

You strongly dislike conflict, and will avoid it. Like an XPYG, you give so much of yourself to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. But you internalize your feelings more and have a hard time getting over them. You don't *want* to cheat -- you just keep finding yourself in vulnerable situations. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

Your sex life will always be hot. You are one of the rare people who can keep the fires of passion going forever -- if you find a good match. Find another XSYG and you will never need (or want) anyone else again.

Of the 166203 people who have taken this quiz, 8.1 % are this type.

* * * *

OMG. OMG. Should I be impressed or upset that this nailed me so perfectly?

The First Time

I love first times. First kisses, first touches - first anythings. And I sat at work today, thinking about some things, and came home deciding that I would share with you one of my favourite memories:

I don't know when it happened. It was sudden, out of nowhere. I'd known you already for some time, seen your face every day and even though we were together, I didn't hear your voice for a very long time. Or maybe I had, but surely it was only in dreams.

You made my heart take flight. You caused shivers to run up and down my spine. You made me blush every time I knew you were looking at me, every time I imagined you looking at me. You brought about the butterflies that had been hidden for so long I had forgotten they were there.

I had pictures of you. I kept them close by, so I could look at you whenever I wanted. You were the first person I saw when I woke up, and the last person I saw before I went to sleep. You haunted my dreams, my fantasies; you haunted me.

You were perfect to me. Everything about you. Your lazy brown eyes, the deep thought behind them; the incredibly masculine physique you enjoyed showing off; your accent. My god, your accent.

Do you remember when we finally talked to each other? We laughed and giggled so much! I wanted to reach out and touch you [did you know that?] but of course I didn't - couldn't. I commented about my peculiar habit of waving my hands around like a maniac when I was nervous, and giggled some more. You laughed and made some comment about that being because of my love of italian food. I laughed again.

Your laughter ran through me like warm honey. I'm sure your eyes sparkled under the light; I know mine were. I had a goofy grin on my lips that lasted for days.

You completely overwhelmed me. Everything about you seemed like everything I had ever wanted, ever needed. There was absolutely nothing about you that I didn't like. You seemed completely perfect to me, in every way.

The shivers still run up and down my spine when I think about those days, those moments we shared. I had wanted them to last forever. You unleashed the little whirlies in my belly, the heat that seared downward, the colour that flooded my cheeks. I had never been so giddy, so full of life.

It was that day, the day we spoke, that I knew, even though I think part of me always did. I remember thinking that I'd never felt this way before, ever. You brought something out in me that I never knew was missing. You showed me how fantastic it felt to be alive, to be awake; to be happy. You gave me so much, and I don't think you were even aware of it. You had no idea the things you made me feel, the way my body responded to your voice. I could only imagine how I would respond to your touch.

I hated to end the conversation. I didn't want to. I wanted to talk to you until I was exhausted from it. I wanted to kiss you until I couldn't breathe anymore. I wanted to cuddle you until my body went numb. I wanted to be the first and last thoughts of your day. I wanted to tell you that. I wanted to tell you how much I'd loved you, how much I wanted you to love me back.

I wanted you to tell me we'd be together forever. I wanted to hear you tell me you'd never leave me, that you would always love me, that we were meant to be together. And I wanted to say all of those things to you.

But neither of us wanted to jynx the moment. Despite the time, we were both too grounded to really let go, even though I think we both desperately wanted to. It just wasn't the right time. Sometimes I think fate taunts us, tempts us, dares us to say the things we want to, and then laughs at us when we don't.

You will never be my first love, but I think I can say with accuracy that you are possibly my first ever true love. The one I will always carry with me.

You are, were and always will be, my first real crush.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


So a few months ago, I was in the market for a new computer. I generally buy from Gateway because I love their product and their customer service cannot be beat. But I have a bankruptcy against my name now, so I could not longer get credit from them.

This is fine. I go to Dell and sign up online for credit. I'm instantly approved for $1500. I cheer. I buy myself a swanky little desktop. I get one bill a month later, and send in payment.

I have not received another bill. I call up Dell Financial Services (outsourced to India, I come to find out) to find out why I have yet to get another bill. I could not get ahold of a human being to save my life. I check the automated account feature, it says I'm paid to date, and my next payment is not due until December 31st. I'm perplexed by this.

I haven't had a bill since October, therefore I haven't paid anything since October, so how can my account be current? I decide to call Dell back tonight, and of course, cannot get ahold of DFS because their operating hours are until 6pm.

No problem, I think. I manage to find a phone number to their "customer care" department, and call them. Surprisingly, I'm not on hold for very long, before I get some indian guy named Marc talking to me.

He cannot find my account. He asks me my customer number. I have no idea what it is, and I'm trying to find it on the dell website while I have him on the phone. I give him my name, my billing info, my zip code, my phone number, and he still cannot find my account.

Miraculously, I manage to find my account number on the dell website. I tell this to Marc who then attempts to look at my account. I tell him I haven't gotten a bill since October and even though the automated system says I'm not due for payment until December, I think this is very wrong and I want a bill. He asks me if I've changed my billing address. I tell him no. I tell him I got the first one, but have not received any since then.

He then informs me that I have to contact DFS, but they're only open until 6pm. I then inform him that I have tried to call DFS however I cannot get a human being to speak with. I then tell him, that if they are only open until 6pm, why are they calling me at 8pm at night, and refusing to talk to me when I answer the phone?

He asks me to explain myself. I say ok, and proceed to tell him that they called me this evening, before I contacted him, I answered the phone and they didn't say anything. I waited a solid minute (enough for lag time) before hanging up the phone. Nobody was on the other end of the line.

He tells me he doesn't know anything about that, that he cannot help me, and that I need to call back tomorrow. Unhappily, I tell him fine, thank you, and hang up the phone.

Half an hour later, after I'm done eating dinner, I come back into the bedroom and find my phone shrilling to inform me I had a message in my voicemail. By this time, it's 8pm. I check voicemail, it's someone from DFS! Of course, he tells me I must call him back as this is an urgent matter, and I have to contact him by 8pm tomorrow evening.

All of this after I'm informed their business hours are until 6pm?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

So then, after all that, I head over to the dell messageboards, and THIS is what I find out. My stomache curdles in fear and anxiety. Is this the bullshit I am now going to go through?!

Honestly I feel like letting this damned bill go to collection so they can come repo it, and I can be rid of this piece of shit and never have to deal with dell or their bullshit financial services ever again.

Anyone else go through this? I will never use Dell again and after reading everything on that messageboard, I am going to tell everyone I know to never buy through Dell. Never deal with their bullshit financial services. OMG NEVER ACCEPT DELL CREDIT!!!

I need to calm down. My blood is boiling and I know I'm steaming too much at the moment to be healthy. This is fucking insane.

I Want

I want this like you would not believe.

Monday, December 13, 2004

The Goodies

OMG OMG OMG OMG! They're reuniting! I'm SO thrilled at this! I haven't seen this show since I was a kid but I remember loving it and laughing so much I cried. I used to love this show! I think this is just the coolest thing ever.

Now I'm just waiting for the entire series to come out on DVD and I'll own it!

Love Horoscope (Aquarius)

The planetary alignment may be making you determined to make your feelings known to a certain person you have been attracted to for some time. The only problem is that you could be too overbearing and almost dominating in your rush to get some kind of commitment out of them. You will actually put them off if you come on too strong, so take it easy.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Disturbed: Want

Your mind won't let you say that you want me
Your mind won't ever, never let you say what you want
You howl and wail like a banshee
Still your mind wont ever let you say
My little tired devotee
Your mind wont even let you feel

Quivering now, shivering now, withering
Your mind won't let you say that you're
Wondering now, pondering now, hungering
Won't let you say that you're
Questioning, wavering, weakening
You mind won't let you say that you're
Hearkening, listening, heeding me now
Won't let you say that you want

Your mind won't let you say that you want me
Your mind won't ever, never let you have what you want
I feel your hunger to taste me
Still your mind won't ever let you say
Your kind is just the type that should use me
But your mind wont seem to let you have
The opportunity to abuse me
Your mind wont even let you feel

Savor the addiction, savor the affliction
Savor me

Messy Girl

The bedroom looks like a bomb went off in it. I have clothes everywhere. Some I'm keeping, most I'm giving to charity. I figured it was time I went through everything, because most of it I don't even wear. I was amazed to find out how many clothes I actually had.

Not looking forward to clearing out my drawers. =
And since I'm moving back to Australia next year, I figured now would be a good time to go through absolutely everything I own and decide what I'm keeping, and what I'm trashing. Everything I end up keeping will be shipped back before I go, so I don't have to worry about excess luggage. (baggage?) I'm not looking forward to that, either. I have so much junk! Honestly it's amazing what I've acquired in the almost nine years I've been here.

Housecleaning is more than past due. Or maybe I don't have as much as I think I do. Maybe most of it will have been these clothes.

.oO( Riiiight )

Anyway, sitting here writing about it isn't getting the job done. =\


Today's aspects will clarify any of the team situations you are part of, e. This could concern teams in your private or professional life. This is the moment to take action and harvest the fruit of your reflections of the past few days. Don't be afraid to modify what is already in place. If you hesitate, you will only succeed in making yourself more anxious...

Love Horoscope (Aquarius)
All you want today is a little miracle, you're not even asking for a big one. You may believe that the miracle you've been hoping for has finally arrived; that the person who seems to breeze into your life and just happens to fit in so completely and perfectly with everything you think, believe, and do, was just heaven made for you. But this could be a honey trap - be careful.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Love Horoscope (Aquarius)

You may find romance and love strays out of the bounds of appreciation for all things earthy and physical, and becomes a much more intellectual and abstract affair today. However, the planets are radiating an energy that inclines people and potential lovers to think about romance, rather than actually getting on with it, which could lead to a few problems. But don't worry - you have all the skills to circumvent an overactive brain!

40 Things

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor...but different.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


Love and romance take on a deeply meaningful and philosophical air. The astral alignment encourages the highest and the best that you can muster from within yourself in terms of your current relationship, or any that you are considering entering into. This in turn means examining your motives and deciding what is your basis of action. It may be a good time to clean up your act.

Holiday Cheer

Guy I work with just came to my desk and dumped a gigantic (obscene even) amount of hersheys chocolate on my desk. So much for shedding 10lbs this month. =\

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Moving On

Ok so I'm over my tantrum earlier today. It helped I managed to talk a little bit about how I was feeling to the person I needed to talk to, even though I'm sure this person was wondering about my sanity level. I need to quell this jealousy monster.

On the bright side, I didn't have such a bad day afterall. It helped that I was able to leave work and come home... and have a shower. Everything always seems better after a good, hot, steamy shower. Somehow it manages to wash away all the dirt and problems and grime.

And I've had a really good night. Aside from morphing into some giddy, mush-brained schoolgirl for the better part of the last 2 hours, I think I've gotten a little bit closer to a friend I've known for a long time.

In other news, I need to shed 10lbs and am going to diligently try and do that (picked a great time to do this eh? right before xmas and all) and since I've been having major difficulties in getting to sleep lately, I thought I might try working out when I get home from work, or something. Maybe it'll ease the tension in my neck and shoulders, and help me sleep at night. Though I suppose it might help if I could keep my mind in the state in which I live, and not out in some other part of the world. =
I'm also redesigning the site, since mother tells me I need colour in it. And a larger font. Unfortunately, I got sidetracked tonight from designing, and got all hot and bothered by said sidetrack, before I launched myself into WoW for an hour or so with my partner. (sidenote: nightelves rawk)

So now, I'm sitting here, wishing I was tired enough to sleep, wishing my mind would come back to Connecticut, wishing my heart would stop whatever the hell it's doing these days, and listening to Maroon 5. Oh, and my ass is numb.

God Bands

I think I might have groused before that I found a song I was just all in love with, until I realized the band was singing about god, and I got disgusted. Blindsided by it, because the genre of music it was under, was Alternative/Modern Rock.

(Christian Rock has it's own damned label - use it)

So I didn't know any different. And the only reason I found about it was because I was told by someone who pillaged the mp3 for me. (He's probably the only one who would ever so blankly tell me I was listening to christian music and berate me lovingly for it) He then promptly informed me I "have been away from the darkside for too long". <3

Anyway, so I'm sitting here at work, listening to my LaunchCAST and I come across aformentioned god band, The Violet Burning. If you're into god music, I really really recommend this band. They kick ass.

After much deliberation and conversation, I came to the conclusion that I can actually listen to this christian rock music without going off the deep end, as long as I know it beforehand. And as long as it isn't preachy.

So I'm ok with that. Turns out Creed went christian rock before they split. Turns out Evanescence used to be christian rock. I'm even hearing rumours now, that POD is christian music (wouldn't know, never listened to them). These are just some examples that I know of - it wouldn't surprise me to learn about other bands I like, are classified christian rock and I wouldn't even know. I'm relatively happy being ignorant on this.

Which brings me to the whole point of my post. I find yet another band I dig, and come to find out they are also a god band. ::sigh:: If you're curious, check out Pillar, particularly their last album, Where Do We Go From Here. Outstanding.

I'm not going to say I'll never listen to them again (I've learned since my banishment of aforementioned god band) just because they have different points of view than I do, but I will say I'm just annoyed by it. Really flipping annoyed by it.

Not at the bands, don't get me wrong. I'm not annoyed with them. They kick out raging music which is awesome. I'm annoyed/pissed with the morons at LaunchCAST who put this music in the wrong mfing genre categories. If I wanted to listen to christian rock, I'd go and I'd check off that particular category!

But now, after discovering 3 different bands that I thought were alterna/modern trash rock are actually god bands, is this a sign? =\


I'm in a funky mood today and I'm raging with jealousy over something that I can't possibly give a justifiable reason for why, either. It's been going on since last night. It was questioned, of course, but I shrugged it off (much like I always do). How can I explain that I have no right to be jealous of this[you] because of some silly pictures?


I was so exhausted last night I ended up going to bed at eleven thirty after watching something on MTV called "Laguna Beach" ? No idea what this was, and at first I thought it was softcore porn because of all the girlies hugging/kissing but as it turns out, they were just saying their goodbyes to each other. In a softcore porn-style way. =
I digress.

I didn't sleep so well. My mind kept roaming all over the place, mostly out of the country, and when it finally settled on a bed for the night, it was past midnight. So much for being so tired I thought I would pass out as soon as I lay down.

I must have tossed and turned alot during the night.

I woke up in a rather cranky mood, to my cellphone shrilling obnoxiously from my computer desk in the bedroom. I stumble out of bed, whacking my ankle on the bedpost in doing so, and lunged for my phone the second it stopped ringing. (1) New Message. It's that mfing fax message again, that I cannot turn off. At seven mfing thirty this morning.

So there we have it. I'm cranky and jealous. Today is going to suck so much ass and it's not even ten o'clock yet. Huzzah.

Monday, December 06, 2004


Today marks the third day in a row I've burned my tongue on my coffee. Either coffee is pure evil, or I'm not supposed to be drinking it. I'm going to go with pure evil.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

The Past

I was going through alot of my old journal entries from many years ago when I used to write online. I found one particular entry that I'm especially fond of. Enjoy.
- - - - - - - -

November 12th, 2001
I remember running through the wet grass, falling a step behind...
It's not so rosy. I don't think it ever has been. Not really. The glasses quite adeptly colour you so prettily, but we can all see right through you. We can see through me. I am not happy. Have I ever been? Yes, wearing those glasses that colour you so prettily. Does that make sense? Do I? Don't worry. It's not important. At least, not to you. It is to me. You don't have a clue what I'm talking about, do you? It's ok. You don't need to know. Not yet, anyway. It's not quite time, is it?

I wash the glasses in the sink. They're not made of glass though. They're plastic. Clear and purple, depending on which colour I chose this morning, to have my juice in. At least, I would have chosen one if I had some juice to drink. At least, that pours out of a bottle. I have little juice containers - you know the ones, the ones with the plastic straws that you put into the hole in the top. It's not good juice, anyway. It has added calcium in it. It tastes strange. Not what I like; not what I am used to.

But I washed them anyway because they were in the sink. Driblets of milk still in them. Dirty dishwater covered the pots and pans from last night's dinner. Juices from the fat, tender pork chops. Oh, it was good. Fries on the side. A spoonful of beans. Though, I don't eat beans, so I didn't have them. It was still good. A can of soda. The water ran down off the can and pooled onto the glass table top. Another mess to clean up.

Silver cutlery fades with time, much like the memories of long ago, much like the thoughts of yesterday. I don't know what my thoughts were yesterday. Not coherently. I know I must have thought I was tired at some point, because I went to sleep. My shoulders ache today. I remember my feet ached yesterday. They're fine now, today. I'm not sick though. Yesterdays thoughts and memories don't really mean much - if they did, wouldn't I remember them? Wouldn't you remember them? Do you?

I miss my family. Christmas is coming. It's almost been 1 year since I've seen them. On the 22nd of this month, it will have been 1 month since I boarded that jet: ultimate destination Brisbane, Queensland. My ears popped alot on the flight. I think I slept too. It's easier to sleep when someone is beside you [didn't you say that?] even on a plane. My feet weren't so cold then, either. I think I had thick socks on. I would have had to, since it was snowing the day the plane left. Coincidentally, it was snowing and sleeting the day the plane touched back down on US soil to return me here. I remember the stewardesses [do we even call them that these days?] being very friendly. She kept asking, "Want juice guys?" as though she really cared whether or not we all dehydrated. I think she did care. Her male counterparts didn't, however.

I cried, you know. I almost didn't see her. I walked right past her. But I turned around, and there she was. Ultimately radiant and inequivocably beautiful, as always. She had tears in her eyes, too. I remember gasping in relief, covering my mouth with my hand and going into her embrace with tears streaming down my face. I think I may have a left a smallish wet patch on her tshirt. It was hot that day, so she had to wear a tshirt. But she was still beautiful.

And, I cried again. More than the first time we said goodbye. I held onto her for dear life. I didn't want to let her go. I was shaking so badly. Again, I was leaving her. I boarded the plane - ultimate destination: JFK, New York. I didn't tell her I loved her before I left, and I cried harder for it. The tears lasted the entire trip to LA.

It's amazing what you remember when you're washing clear and purple plastic cups

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Dinner @ the Inlaws

Normally I don't mind going, if we're going to hang out with his sister and her hubby because I like them. And she did call last night to invite us over for dinner tonight. The food was amazing, as it generally is, but the company wasn't so much.

They had some friends over, who are almost always over there, and I don't mind them in small doses, but there's just something about being in a room full of very testosterone-y guys that isn't pretty. I ended up going and hanging with his Mom and tried to watch a movie on the Lifetime channel, but she kept talking so it was hard to focus. Then others came in and continued the chatter - I practically crawled up ontop of the tv to listen to it. =
It was a good movie too, about a bunch of 14 year old girls and their very active sex lives. Apparently it was based on a true story - one of these little girls actually had over 20 partners. At 14. Over twenty partners. It blew my mind. But she was far from being the only one. Infact, over half the kids at this school had syphilis and were happy to continue along spreading it to the next person and the next. It was sad more than anything.

After the movie was over, I ended up falling asleep on her very uncomfortable couch, and woke up to them talking about some other movie on HBO - "The Last Samurai" I think it was. Not being a Tom Cruise fan, I didn't get into it, and instead, lay on the couch and stared blankly into space until we left.

His mom is cooking us dinner tomorrow night, so that should be loads of excitement. She's a demon cook, I'll say that, except sometimes she goes a little haywire with the salt. Or maybe it's that I don't eat it very much at all, so I can taste it in everything. =\

Friday, December 03, 2004

It's Friday

And I'm renting yet another movie tonight. I want to see "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" so that's what I'm going to rent if Blockbuster has it in stock.

(Anyone else notice that Blockbuster suck ass lately, with the lack of movies to rent?!)

If it's not in stock, I'm going to try for "Mean Girls". If that's not in stock, I'll be on the look out for "Terminal" which looks really good as well, and I just <3 Tom Hanks. But that's my backup movie. I figure if I pick 3, then at least one of them has to be in stock. Right?

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Spiderman 2

Amazing movie. I loved the first one and this one was just so much better - probably because we get to see our hero without his shirt on. And granted, it's a brief shot, about 3 seconds worth but like one of my friends pointed out, there's always the pause button.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, excellent, excellent movie. I cried - nothing new there, I cry at everything. I also screamed at the tv during the part where MJ asks Peter if he loves her, and he says no. Suddenly and out of nowhere, I'm shouting You lying sack of shit! to the tv, as though my shout will actually make a difference.

(This further negates the whole idea of me trying to cut back on the swearing)

But in the end, it seems, my shout did make a difference (nevermind that it was at the end of the film and the hero always gets the girl) because he got her anyway. And then they did the inevitable kissing scene, which got me all choked up all over again. (Good lord I'm such a girl)

At any rate, I was watching this scene and thinking to myself that our hero looks like quite the good kisser. I don't know if you can really tell if someone kisses well by how they look but he sure looked as though he does. It wasn't an open-mouthed spit-fest, quite unlike MJ's kiss back to him. She just looked like she was trying to suck up his whole mouth.

But, I'm digressing.

Very good movie, and I highly recommend it if you haven't seen it. It was definitely 2 hours of my time I was happy to waste.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The Butterfly Effect

I love movies. I especially love movies that make me laugh or cry, or run chills down my spine. This movie did all of the above, so I liked it all the more just for those factors.

I'd heard it got poor reviews. But most of my friends who'd seen it, loved it. I am now one of those "loved it" people. Truly amazing work and I think I appreciate Ashton Kutcher a teeny bit more than I once did. I think this movie proves he can act (unlike on That 70s Show), so it was well worth watching for me.

Tonight I plan to watch Spiderman 2. I loved the first one. I <3 Toby McGuire (but only as Spiderman). He is rather buff, for someone who's generally so skinny and non-noticeable. Then again, if you put a bright blue and red spandex suit on anyone, they're going to stand out in your mind for whatever reason.

Which actually brings me to a rather interesting conversation I had with one of my workmates. The conversation began innocently enough, but ended up turning very sexual in nature, and very quickly.

It's common knowledge boys "get wood" when the wind blows. (Poor boys!) It's mostly not something they can control. So, we were discussing that in this movie particularly, what happens to poor Tobes when he has to make out with Kirsten Dunst, in his little bright blue spandex suit that leaves nothing to the imagination?

They can't not get into it. You just can't make out with someone and not get even a little bit horny. So, what's the poor guy do when he suddenly springs to life?

"Cut!" hoarse groan. "Give me a sec. Need to sit down."

Really, it has to get embarrassing. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if he got to wear jeans or overalls or something, and you'd be relatively hidden. Not so much in a blue spandex suit, eh?

"Dammit McGuire, go have a cold shower!"

I think we think we have it rough with our body problems, but really, I think guys have it much worse.