Tuesday, November 30, 2004


I have two paychecks until Christmas. This realization was brought up at work today and ever since, I have been depressed. I loathe Christmas shopping; people rushing around to get this, that and the other thing, all frantic to get that one (or several) cool item(s) before it gets bought out, the lack of car parking in every mall you go to. I mean, really, who builds a mall and then fails to put in enough car parking?

And of course it's winter here at Christmas, and we generally have snow, so the roads are congested moreso (usually because of accidents) and then to trudge half a mile away to get into the mall that is rampantly overcrowded, to go and buy crap that's only going to get thrown out after a few uses, for people who don't even appreciate it, is just exhausting for me. And generally fills me with murderous rage.

This is why I generally do all my shopping online. But, this year, for some silly reason, I neglected to do that. So this means I now have to go to the actual mall and see what pieces of crap I can buy relatively cheaply. Honestly, I have no problem spending money on people who appreciate what I buy for them, or who are thankful, or who I genuinely love. That's something I enjoy doing. But the rest of this... It's so not worth it.

I've even tried getting out of the whole Holiday Thing by expressing my disbelief in it (which is actually true) but nobody bought it, and handed out their christmas lists with glee. Joy of joys.

It's all good though, in actuality. Maybe I'm just grousing because I'm flat broke this year. Or because I'm tired. Or because I'm not getting any attention today and I want some.

Some days you're the bug, somedays you're the windshield.

Monday, November 29, 2004


I decided to attempt on quitting swearing today. I swear alot. I mean, alot. I don't notice it much, however when I made the conscious effort to stop, I suddenly became aware of how often I swore. Not always the F-word either, though it ranks up there often. I found out this afternoon, I have very little control over myself.

Almost none, in fact.

My workmates thought this hilarious, but they were good natured about it, and constantly told me when I swore; usually by laughing loudly and saying my name. By 3pm, I'd given up all hope, and by 3:30pm I actually swore - the F-word to be exact - which elicited much laughter from my workmates. This is going to be alot harder than I first anticipated.

But, it is a shot at self-control. God knows I need it. I also need to stop saying every little thing that enters my head. I also need to stop craving certain... items. But, these are all incidentals. I figure if I can work on the swearing issue, the rest should fall into place.

One of my workmates tells me constantly I need to stop playing such violent videogames. Another friend tells me I'm a game-junkie (yeah, like he can talk). Someone else different altogether, tells me I should stop watching violent movies. Somehow, somewhere, this all ties into my constant swearing and lack of self-control, I am sure.

Ok. So. Control. Working on that one right now. I'm not making any foolish promises to myself, though. In all actuality I'm not going to make it through the night without swearing, much less a whole day tomorrow. But at the very least, the effort will have me cutting back. And that's a start, right?

Burning Bright

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning bright

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning bright

I feel like there is no need for conversation...
- Shinedown

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Random Conversation

"I'm so fucked up," she says, staring balefully at me.

"Why is that?" I ask.

"Because it's just a sex thing, right? That's pretty much all we agreed on."


"So.." she's exasperated, like I should know her thoughts. "So now.. Well it feels like things are changing. In me."


"And they shouldn't be. I mean, that only complicates things, right?"

I smile and shrug.

"Anyway," she says, ignoring my indifference, "I haven't said anything yet. And I'm not sure I'm going to. He thinks it's just a sex thing, so I'm not going to change it."

I nod pleasantly.

"I mean, I haven't slept with him yet and even though I want to, and am going to, part of me wants so much more. But I'm afraid to explore that and look at those feelings."


"Because what if it's something more than just sex? What if that something more turns into something wonderful? What if that something wonderful falls apart? I've just destroyed what was an incredible relationship."

My mind swims with this. "You know, someone once said to me.. 'Fuck the what-ifs. They only drag you down'."

She sighs deeply and looks at me. "Ok, then.. If I were you right now, what would you do?"

I chuckle at that moment, my eyes rolling. "Well that's the irony, isn't it? I'd do exactly what you're doing."

Monday, November 22, 2004


Finally my game is released tomorrow! I've only been waiting for this game for years. I so love Blizzard games!

Work was so mundane today, but despite that, I had a lot of fun. Everyone asked me how I was feeling, and happy to know I am doing lots better. Although, I will say, since being on this medication, my appetite has increased so much. I'm constantly hungry which drives me nuts. There's only so much I can eat, though it seems to feel like it's never enough.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to keep busy tonight. I have nothing I want to play, no books to read, and the tv just annoys me - not like there's anything ever on, anyway.

Guy I work with brought in venison today. I was mortified. He knew better than to ask me if I wanted any, but did it anyway, I think just to irritate me. So not cool. And all of this only months after I had complained to my boss about one of the sales managers having the head of a deer up on his wall - which he was asked to take down. I just don't understand it at all and I'm never going to be ok with it. Some things are just so wrong.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

It's Alive!

When I mentioned to Trinity that I was thinking about having my own site again, she went apeshit with happiness and offered me some space on her domain.

I promptly went and registered this domain instead. She then decided she'd host me. I heart her. But, I digress.

In our following conversation, I had complained that I wouldn't be able to remember how to code properly, after having been away from it for about four years. She told me it was "like riding a bike". And then she winked at me.

After much deliberation and astounding boredom (over not having WoW to play), I decided to get my ass in gear and get the site up and running.

I have decided, that having been off the coding scene for so long, it is not quite like riding a bike. Infact, it's quite abit harder than riding a bike. At least on a bike you know where the pedals are, where the seat is, where the breaks are.

For uncountable hours today, I spent shredding various designs I'd created years ago, and reading the code over and over and over again. And then I began to design. And then, once I had something I was halfway pleased with, I attempted to get it all working properly. That took many, many hours more.

It's now late, and I have most of everything in place - even after I thought I had deleted some things, which as it turns out, I didn't delete completely. So, for all intents and purposes, the site is live.

Years Past

I was reading through all of my old websites yesterday. I can't believe some of the shit I actually wrote about. I wonder what was going through my mind at those points. Honestly, I sounded like some psycho. :
I'm so bored lately! Ever since WoW Open Beta closed, I've had nothing to do with my time and it's driving me crazy. The game is due to launch on the 23rd, and I'm wondering what I'm going to play until then.

I still have EQ of course, and actually logged in last night to play with some friends, but it was amazing how much I'd forgotten in the time I haven't played. I think it's been about a month now. It's just too weird to go from playing EQ, to EQII, to WoW. Such different styles of gameplay! But at least I've come to the conclusion that I really do hate playing EQ, and really don't miss it at all. So far I've gotten one of my friends to make the switch to WoW, and I spent the better part of last night trying to convince more friends to switch. I don't think they will. :(

On a side note, I'm feeling worlds better today. So far no breathing problems which is so nice. I can still feel weirdness in my chest and lung area, but that should go away in the next couple of days as the drugs continue to work and fight off the infection.

Also, I slept well! I think it had something to do with me going to bed at 1am - not that I can do that tonight of course, because I have to go to work on Monday, but it's only a 3 day work-week this week! Hooray for 4-day weekends over Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 20, 2004


I have pneumonia. I've had it before, and it's not a lot of fun, though I did get to stay home from work yesterday. In addition to the meds I'm on, I also have cough syrup (prescription) with codeine. It tastes nasty, but does a fab job of stopping the coughing episodes.

Having some problems breathing properly this afternoon though. Breath keeps catching in my chest and vibrating. It's not scarey as much as it is annoying. Hopefully it won't take much longer before I start feeling normal again.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Staind: It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile, since I first saw you
And it's been awhile, since I could stand on my own two feet again
It's been awhile, since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been awhile since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile, since I could say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile, since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to
Disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day

It's been awhile, since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile, since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile, since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember
Just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
To be - I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said
I'm sorry