The First Time

I love first times. First kisses, first touches - first anythings. And I sat at work today, thinking about some things, and came home deciding that I would share with you one of my favourite memories:

I don't know when it happened. It was sudden, out of nowhere. I'd known you already for some time, seen your face every day and even though we were together, I didn't hear your voice for a very long time. Or maybe I had, but surely it was only in dreams.

You made my heart take flight. You caused shivers to run up and down my spine. You made me blush every time I knew you were looking at me, every time I imagined you looking at me. You brought about the butterflies that had been hidden for so long I had forgotten they were there.

I had pictures of you. I kept them close by, so I could look at you whenever I wanted. You were the first person I saw when I woke up, and the last person I saw before I went to sleep. You haunted my dreams, my fantasies; you haunted me.

You were perfect to me. Everything about you. Your lazy brown eyes, the deep thought behind them; the incredibly masculine physique you enjoyed showing off; your accent. My god, your accent.

Do you remember when we finally talked to each other? We laughed and giggled so much! I wanted to reach out and touch you [did you know that?] but of course I didn't - couldn't. I commented about my peculiar habit of waving my hands around like a maniac when I was nervous, and giggled some more. You laughed and made some comment about that being because of my love of italian food. I laughed again.

Your laughter ran through me like warm honey. I'm sure your eyes sparkled under the light; I know mine were. I had a goofy grin on my lips that lasted for days.

You completely overwhelmed me. Everything about you seemed like everything I had ever wanted, ever needed. There was absolutely nothing about you that I didn't like. You seemed completely perfect to me, in every way.

The shivers still run up and down my spine when I think about those days, those moments we shared. I had wanted them to last forever. You unleashed the little whirlies in my belly, the heat that seared downward, the colour that flooded my cheeks. I had never been so giddy, so full of life.

It was that day, the day we spoke, that I knew, even though I think part of me always did. I remember thinking that I'd never felt this way before, ever. You brought something out in me that I never knew was missing. You showed me how fantastic it felt to be alive, to be awake; to be happy. You gave me so much, and I don't think you were even aware of it. You had no idea the things you made me feel, the way my body responded to your voice. I could only imagine how I would respond to your touch.

I hated to end the conversation. I didn't want to. I wanted to talk to you until I was exhausted from it. I wanted to kiss you until I couldn't breathe anymore. I wanted to cuddle you until my body went numb. I wanted to be the first and last thoughts of your day. I wanted to tell you that. I wanted to tell you how much I'd loved you, how much I wanted you to love me back.

I wanted you to tell me we'd be together forever. I wanted to hear you tell me you'd never leave me, that you would always love me, that we were meant to be together. And I wanted to say all of those things to you.

But neither of us wanted to jynx the moment. Despite the time, we were both too grounded to really let go, even though I think we both desperately wanted to. It just wasn't the right time. Sometimes I think fate taunts us, tempts us, dares us to say the things we want to, and then laughs at us when we don't.

You will never be my first love, but I think I can say with accuracy that you are possibly my first ever true love. The one I will always carry with me.

You are, were and always will be, my first real crush.