Countdown to 2006

My god, what a year this has been for me. If someone had told me that I would be worlds different (physically and mentally) than where I was last year, I'd have laughed at them. If someone had told me that in just 7 short weeks I'd be a parent, I would have laughed so hard my lungs would have exploded. If I had been told I would be over-the-moon deliriously happy, I'd have asked for the same drugs they were on.

In short, this past year has literally been THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.

On the 26th of December last year, I broke away from a very unhealthy relationship that had been dragging on for close to 10 years. The last 5 of those years were spent trying to exist day to day without upsetting a very delicate balance in the house I lived in. That "relationship", while tumultuous at best, added up to a collective 5 years as us being an actual couple, while the remaining 5 years saw us as simply roommates - roommates who did not work well together.

We had some good times in those 10 years we shared. Sometimes the "good days" spanned a week or two, but mostly they were just brief glimpses of what should have been.

I tried so hard to make it work, to give him what he wanted, to show him the affection he deserved. At the time I thought maybe something was wrong with me, that I hated men (due to my Father - an entirely different post) and wasn't able to give or receive love freely. As it turns out, that's not quite the case, and it was only because I did not love him, that I could not give him the things he wanted from me.

It was a very hard, bordering on traumatic, breakup; not only because I knew for the remaining month I was there that he would make life very difficult, but because I had shared ten years of my life with this man and despite everything going on inside of me, he was familiar. The whole scenario was familiar. Part of me did not want to let it go and say goodbye; not just because of him, but because I knew I'd be coming back to Australia, and leaving my American life - all of my friends and workmates, and everything that had been my home for so long - behind. I almost couldn't do it.

But I did. And it was only out of one solid friendship from someone who lived in another country, that I managed to hang onto the very last shred of hope I had, the very last piece of strength that was in my body, to actually get up and walk away. He kept me strong, he kept me sane and he kept me focused. Without him, I know I would not have come through it all as well as I did.

"Come and see me before you go," he said. "I'll pay for your flight."

Of course, I didn't let him pay for the flight, but I did go and see him. It was all pre-arranged, our meeting; he was going to pick me up at Toronto International airport, and I'd spend a week with him: a glorious week of having nothing but lots of alcohol and lots of sex. That was the plan. He was going to show me around his amazingly beautiful city, take me out clubbing and dancing and basically try and cram in so many years of fun in one week. We had agreed that because I'd just gotten out of a relationship (at least physically, I'd mentally left it years prior) that nothing else would take place. There would be no talk of deep love or commitment. I wanted time to myself, to reconnect and find myself again.

As it turns out, I was never lost to begin with. I was always there - stifled for so long, but there. And while I flew to Canada for a rather expensive booty-call, things did not turn out quite the way we had intended.

My one week stay turned into three months. He knew within 2 weeks of me being there that he was in love with me, and wanted to marry me. In that 2 week period, I was still mourning the loss of a ten year situation, not ready for anything else, and fighting the feelings I had that were very quickly building up inside of me. I knew he was The One, my eternal love, my soulmate. And the internal fight hastened; It's too soon, You need time to recover, You don't want him being your rebound guy...

As the days progressed, we found more and more that we had so much in common, that we could reach each others minds, that we knew instinctively that this was right. Finally, I gave up the fight with myself, and realized the only reason I was fighting it so much was because of how other people would see it, how they would react, what they would think. And then I distinctly remember thinking, Fuck it. We only live once and I'm going for it. Right or wrong, I'm going for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have never looked back. I have never regretted my decision. I have never had the thought of, "Shit, it was far too soon." I've never thought about cheating on him and I've not so much as looked at another guy and thought, "Oh yeah baby, if I were single..."

Come January 28th, D and I will have been together for an entire year, even though we have known each other for going on six years total. He is the love of my life, the light of my life and the strength, hope and courage I hold close to me every single day of my life. While I know I can breathe without him, I don't want to. I cannot begin to describe the overwhelming happiness he brings out in me, or the rich, powerful love he makes me feel.

For the longest time, I questioned my happiness (which some of you will remember), wondering if it was true (because things that often seem too good to be true, usually are?) wondering if I was allowed to be so happy after so many years of unhappiness. I was constantly told "Yes you're allowed to be this happy! You deserve it!" but did I believe that? Not for a long, long time. We both thought we had to be careful lest we "jinx" it. We had both been unhappy for so long, so lonely and sad that neither one of us wanted to do anything or say anything that might ruin what we had.

I should point out that in the first 3 months of my 10 year situation, that man and I had more fights and arguments than D and I have had in an entire year. I was humiliated, privately as well as publicly, and made to feel as insignificant as the rock caught between the treads of your shoe. Although, the rock would have gotten more of a reaction.

D and I have had maybe one real fight, and no more than maybe a small handful of arguments. We know each other so well, we feed off of each other, we know when to back down and give the other some space and room to cool off. That's only one of the hundreds of things I love about him. He knows when to let me be. He doesn't shout at me, or shriek at me, or call me names or humiliate me. He gives me the freedom to be who I am, and he absolutely loves every single cell that makes up my mind and body. He thinks I am perfect, and I think the same of him. We connect.

So, as I sit here now, in my overbearingly hot native homeland of Australia, with my stomache swollen with life who will grace us with her presence in about 7 weeks time, my fiance at work in his airconditioned office, I can look back on this year that I've spent with him and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I have never in my life been so happy or so in love. And I know it's only going to get better, if that's possible.

Here's to you, my love. May 2006 be as wonderful, if not more, than 2005.

And goodbye to 2005 - thank you for allowing me to have one hell of a ride!