Askew

I'm rather askew today and I feel like no matter what I do, I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder, waiting. After yesterday, I now know this to be true - at least for the length of time I have my online presence.

It seems I'm alot more easily found regardless of how careful I think I'm being. In the beginning I had to hide what I wrote because my Ex always came off badly in it, and he hated the fact that I kept a blog at all - including the times when I didn't even mention him.

When I broke up with him, and moved out and away from him, I thought I no longer needed to hide because this is MY life now and he was no longer apart of it. I kept to my word and rarely (if ever) mentioned him. I finally felt a sense of freedom with my writing and thought that now since we were no longer together, I could write whatever I wanted.

I was wrong.

So, I had some conversations with various people, and it was decided that I should just create a new blog and not tell anyone from my "old life" lest they accidentally say something to the Ex, thus giving him information about either my blog or my "new life" and I didn't want that. That's when the decision to snuff my old site, came into play. And snuff it I did, without word to anyone from my "old life" since it was just better (and safer for me) that I just disappear.

Evidently I can't just disappear.

Some of you know what the Ex had said about me. For the rest of you, he was threatening violence against me, should he ever see me again. Violence that would end up turning deadly. Knowing him the way I know him, meant I needed to leave behind all contacts with my old life - including mutual friends and my friends who know him - and start fresh. In a way, I felt like one of those battered women who have to go to a shelter to escape.

I was told, essentially, that I was blowing his remark way out of proportion and that he was just blowing off steam. Whether that is true or not, is irrelevant. My life was threatened and I felt justified in severing all ties with my past (and believe me, that hurt a great deal) and moving on into my new life. For days I was absolutely terrified that he was going to find me, that he was going to track me down and physically do harm to me. I was toying with the notion of alerting authorities in the area where I was staying, just in case.

I didn't have to do that - I moved away instead. I voiced the fears and frustrations I had; when I was with him I always felt like I was running away (internally) to do what I had to do to remain sane. Now that I'm no longer with him, I still feel like I'm running away. Now that I've been found I feel like I need to run away AGAIN.

It's like a nightmare where you're running and running and everytime you look over your shoulder, he's still there chasing you, almost touching you but not quite. It's like no matter how much ground you cover, you're not getting away fast enough.

When someone makes the threat of slitting your throat should he ever see you again, you tend to take that seriously enough that you go into hiding. Whether he's psycho enough to ever do it, is another story altogether, and while you think he probably wouldn't, you don't really know for SURE.

So, that's where I'm at right now. A little scared, a little confused and a lot upset. I no longer feel as safe as I did two days ago. I also feel like no matter where I am or how old I am, I'm never going to stop running, always watching over my shoulder to see how fast he's gaining on me.