Internalizing

Well, we're all moved into D's parents place for about a month or so, before we head out to Arizona. I'm really looking forward to our eventual move out there; it's going to be so great for both of us.

We talked last night, and shared some things/feelings on everything that's happened in the past few days. We cleared the air regarding a discussion we had (which is so far the closest thing to a fight) and everything was much, much better afterward. I have to stop internalizing so much.

I made a choice last night as well, one that should not have been anywhere near as tough as it ended up being. I have this overwhelming need to fix things that I know I'm never going to be able to fix, and make people be okay with my decisions - people who I know will never be okay with anything I ever do. For some reason I thought I had let go of some things and some people, and it turns out I hadn't which only angered and frustrated me more. I'm still not understanding why I can't let [him] go, why I feel the need to make him be okay with my life now when I know he's never going to be.

D's been so supportive, loving and understanding, but even he has his limits. He was right; I need to let the past go and move forward, move on with my life. He's the best thing that's happened to me in such a long time, and I don't want to risk our relationship by clinging to old baggage.

The thing that really bothers me though, is that it should not be as hard as I'm feeling it is, and I'm wondering if it will get easier as time progresses. And if it doesn't, what then?