I Never Thought I Was This Addicted

Still no ADSL service yet. We put the order in last Wednesday. I realize I’m impatient, but it’s been six days already and I NEED to get connected again. I feel so out of the loop and lost! Particularly in regards to the baby – I’m subscribed to 2 newsletters that I get each week and they give me updates on the baby’s growth and what she’s doing (because other than the nudging and occasional pinching I have no idea).

We did have an interesting day yesterday, the parasite and I. It seems she’s invented a new game to play while in the womb, all warm and snuggled like a bug in a rug. (Incidentally, I had a bug incident this afternoon, read down) Lately when I’ve felt the urge to pee, I can normally get away with holding it for awhile – sometimes up to an hour or more, though I try not to do this even though I have to for the ultrasounds, but I digress – but yesterday I could not. No, try as I might, as soon as I felt like I had to go, believe me, I HAD TO GO because the little parasite was prodding my bladder!

Now, I know you’re probably thinking that I’m paranoid and that the fetus I’m carrying wouldn’t necessarily do that to me. But what you don’t know, is that she is my daughter, so yes. Yes she would. And she did. Numerous times. Prod, prod, prod on my bladder, pushing with all her might. If I strained hard enough, I could swear I heard her giggling over it. The game even had a title: Let’s See If I Can Make Mommy Wet Herself While She’s Running to the Bathroom.

Do you know I’m not supposed to run, child? Especially on tiled flooring? With slippers on? Oh I’m sure you know, because you can hear your Father when he talks to me, and you can hear your Nanna when she talks to me, and yes you can even hear Dr. Raam when HE talks to me and tells me what I shouldn’t be doing while I’m CARRYING YOU.

Anyway, having said that, onto my bug incident. Actually, it’s not so much a bug incident as it was a SPIDER incident. Though nothing nearly as upsetting as the Spider Incident in Arizona thank god. (I wasn’t pregnant then, and could leap a mile in the air if I had to – it’s not so easy now)

I was outside relaxing on my back patio, bare feet on the cobblestoned ground, when my gaze just happened to fall upon this dirty great beast. Why O Lord? Why me? WHY CONSTANTLY ME?! It sat there, in the grass, mocking me with it’s eight hairy legs and it’s gazillions of eyes. It was huge, 50c piece huge (including leg span, which I now realize ISN’T huge but I was freaking out at the time, remember) and I sucked in a great gasp of air, thus creating a minor vacuum in the immediate vicinity for all of 5 seconds. In a THRICE! I was up off that chair and clinging from the patio roof. And its eyes followed me. I KNOW they did. But I was unable to remain clinging to the patio roof, because as you’ll recall, I am not the graceful, lithe creature I once was. Now I have a giant growth in my stomache somewhere between my ribcage and bladder, and when gravity gets you, there’s just no stopping it. After thundering to the earth, I stood up and ran inside to get the spray. And then I came back out and sprayed the bitch. HAHA CHARLOTTE! I was victorious as the spider tried in vain to scamper away – and in my victorious cowardice, I jumped back inside and shut the screen door quickly so as to stop any unwanted intrusion.

No, I don’t know what kind of spider this was. I know it’s not a huntsman because I’ve never seen this spider before. Hairy and brown, similar to a huntsman, but with light and dark grey, and black stripes on its body. I shudder to think it might still be out there, NOT dead and nowhere close to it. Perhaps like the Spider That Could Not Be Drowned, this one is impervious to Mortein-brand poisonous gas and I will have to squash it with someone’s shoe. (Not my shoe, you understand, I’m not walking around with spider innards on my sole – heehee get it? Soul? Bah)

God I miss the internet.