Warm Spring Day

Pepper sitting by the kitchen window, smelling the plants.
(taken March 24th, 2005)

All it takes...

To put me from this smiling, laughing creature to a miserable, crying one, is walking into a petstore so overheated I'm sweating inside of 5 minutes, and making the absolute horrendous mistake of seeing the puppies and kittens locked in tiny little glass prisons, with only 2 airholes; neither of them as big as my fist.

Internalizing

Well, we're all moved into D's parents place for about a month or so, before we head out to Arizona. I'm really looking forward to our eventual move out there; it's going to be so great for both of us.

We talked last night, and shared some things/feelings on everything that's happened in the past few days. We cleared the air regarding a discussion we had (which is so far the closest thing to a fight) and everything was much, much better afterward. I have to stop internalizing so much.

I made a choice last night as well, one that should not have been anywhere near as tough as it ended up being. I have this overwhelming need to fix things that I know I'm never going to be able to fix, and make people be okay with my decisions - people who I know will never be okay with anything I ever do. For some reason I thought I had let go of some things and some people, and it turns out I hadn't which only angered and frustrated me more. I'm still not understanding why I can't let [him] go, why I feel the need to make him be okay with my life now when I know he's never going to be.

D's been so supportive, loving and understanding, but even he has his limits. He was right; I need to let the past go and move forward, move on with my life. He's the best thing that's happened to me in such a long time, and I don't want to risk our relationship by clinging to old baggage.

The thing that really bothers me though, is that it should not be as hard as I'm feeling it is, and I'm wondering if it will get easier as time progresses. And if it doesn't, what then?

Love Horoscope (Aquarius)

The celestial alignment signals a time when you may feel more than a little obsessed by a certain person. You may not have realized quite how powerful your feelings were until today, when a certain situation brings them right to the surface. Although this is a very intense experience, it would be wise not to allow it run your life, as it could also prove a very disruptive influence.

Christmas Spirit

I envy people who are enjoying their holiday this year. For me, it's all about family. (Note that while I don't believe in the sentiment behind Christmas, most of my family and friends do) I don't have my family here, which makes this holiday - any of them, really - especially difficult.

His family try and make up for that, which I sincerely do appreciate, but it just isn't the same. I don't get to wake up early and make coffee, and watch Mum stumble out of her bedroom in her pretty pink satin nightgown, hair askew, sleepy-eyed. I don't get to watch my brothers follow suit, yawning and grumbling and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. I don't get to watch my sister jump up and down in excitement or anticipation of opening her presents (even though she's the type who absolutely has to know what she's getting beforehand).

As a kid, I absolutely loved Christmas (of course) only for the presents. It was so fascinating to me that some fat guy in a red suit would pop down people's chimneys, fill their stockings full to overflowing, and then deposit variously sized and brightly wrapped boxes under a fir tree. We didn't have a chimney growing up - too hot, living on the Gold Coast of Australia - so Mum always said Santa came in through the front door. When questioned how he got in without a key, she would reply, "Well he has to have a key, doesn't he? How else would he get inside?"

It made perfect sense. And then, with typical kid-glee, we gazed upon all the presents for all of a split second before diving toward the [plastic] fir tree and grabbing all our specially marked presents.

As I grew older, I began to look forward to Christmas less and less. I guess it was largely in part because I was starting to Grow Up, and began to realize just how expensive and commercial this holiday really was (religious differences aside). I began to get more and more appalled the commercials that stated you just had to buy this or that to make your family so damned happy. The whole Spirit of Christmas really dwindled for me through my early teens, and had dissipated altogether by my midteens. At least for me.

I still loved watching my family get excited over it. And I loved the hell out of trying like a madwoman, to buy the perfect gift for Mum that would make her cry. (Somehow it always becomes all about making your poor mother burst into tears) And every year, my brothers and I succeeded.

I began to appreciate this holiday for the fact that we were all there together, laughing and talking, joking and just having a great time. After the present thing was over and done with, we'd sit down and have breakfast (because we weren't allowed to eat the coloured popcorn in those giant bags, or the candycanes or chocolate!) and talk and giggle excitedly about what we got. That brought me alot of happiness - just being there with them.

And then I moved away from them. I moved thousands of miles, to the opposite side of the world, and I honestly didn't think I'd miss the whole Christmas thing. It turns out I was wrong.

Now, Christmas means nothing to me. He doesn't find much use for it, other than having a day off from work, and I think I have adopted that mentality. I tried to change that outlook one year, but he questioned it so much that I became embarrassed, and reverted to my former hum-bug self.

Lately I find myself looking at the cost of gifts, and seeing nothing but more bills. Bills I don't need or want, thankyouverymuch.

So, I really am envious of all these people who have such great holidays. Somewhere buried deep down, I know I want to be one of them, again. Not for the presents - I get what I want regardless of the time of year - but for that whole Christmas Spirit thing I used to embrace so lovingly as a child. I want that back. I wish it had never gone away - I wish I had never become so jaded.

And maybe, hopefully, one day when I have my own kids, and I can see their bright smiles and sparkly eyes all lit up at the wonderment of presents under a [real!] fir tree, and watch as they unwrap their gifts with utmost delight, that all those former feelings will come flooding back to me, and I will once again lovingly embrace the long-lost-and-forgotten Christmas Spirit.

Things That Remind Me

I'm not a big fan of Kid Rock at all, but I don't mind the song "Bawitdaba" - it's kinda kicky, has a decent beat. But since I'm a gigantic Simpsons freak, now every single time I hear it, I automatically think of the Spring Break episode, where Kid Rock is performing on stage, and Homer's in the mosh pit.

"Bawitdaba Banana Fana Ookachockie" - Homer singing along to Kid Rock.

So no longer do I even hear the real lyrics of the song. I always hear Homer. It's remarkable how certain songs can trigger memories.

** edit: I reread this entry five times before I realized over half of it was full of errors. Including the title. I must be more tired than I first thought.

Horoscope

Your strong opinions might come into conflict with strong emotions today, e. Be aware that fountains of intensity are likely to spring forth from you as if you are a bottomless well. Realize that you may need to put your head aside today and just concentrate on you heart. It may be hard to reason with people using straight-up logic. If you don't have your heart behind what you say, you might as well not say it at all.